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3.00 VERBAL ABUSE SELF-HELP: COPING, COUNTERING AND DEALING

In this section, I offer specific strategies for coping and countering verbal abuse. If you have been in an abusive relationship for a while you will go through several steps or stages as you employ each tactic.

==== First: Become aware.

You will need to observe your disagreements and arguments and become conscious of the strategies the other person is using against you. You will probably find you have been unaware of many of the methods the other persons employs. Also look for things that you are doing wrong. Are you being unfair, are you starting to yell first, for example? Spend a number of weeks simply noticing how you interact with the other person before you begin to counter what you perceive as abuse.

==== Second: Use the tactics for responding outlined in the next thirteen pages.

Don't try to do it all at once. If you see that the other person uses one strategy a lot, you might try dealing with that for starters. Respond gently at first, don't over do it. You will need to go to the next step to understand how to proceed.

==== Third: Observe how the person reacts to your new way of responding.

Does the person get angry? Does the person listen? Does the person seem willing to learn? Does the person see your new response as a ploy to gain power?

==== Fourth: Be more forceful, more assertive.

Once you have a sense of how the other person reacts, be assertive. Expect to met more resistance when you do this.

==== Fifth: If you hit a brick wall and get nowhere, make a mental note of this. When and if the two of you go into counseling, you should detail what happened during these encounters.

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