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1.01 VERBAL ABUSE SELF-HELP: GETTING STARTED, STEPS FOR WORKING THROUGH YOUR PROBLEMS

=== #1. In your notebook or journal write down random thoughts. They could be memories, current moods, thoughts that you cannot get out of your head, dreams, desires, statements of what you want, visions of how you would like your life to be, an argument you just had and names you have been called. One person found it useful to write letters to himself. If you have a parent or loved one who has died, you might write letters to him or her, even though he/she cannot respond. However, do not write letters to living people and send them as this will cause a response and go beyond where you want to be with your self-help at this point. You can also write your deepest darkest secrets, your fears and your internal conflicts. Since this journal might contain very private information, you should keep it under lock and key and make sure that prying eyes cannot find it. This is a personal work for you alone, unless you decide to share it.

When you write in the journal try to remember behavior in your family similar to the abusive behavior you are experiencing now. Recall memories and relate them to your current situation. Try to see patterns in the past and in the present. Another useful too is to look for opposites. Often when a person says one thing, the other might be true as well. For example, my 1st wife hated her father and yet after ten years I realized that she was obsessed with her father and in fact loved him more than anyone.

=== #2. When you come across an idea, a notion or a pattern poke around the Internet with Google or other search engine, looking for more information about some concept. For example, suppose you decided that much of your uneasiness in your marriage was due to passive-aggressive behavior. Looking around on the Internet might yield some insights into this difficult to understand behavior pattern. Bookmark web sites that are most useful.

=== #3. If you feel comfortable, call some relatives or friends and talk to them about your past or things that you remember.

=== #4. When you start to feel confident go to step #5, otherwise go back to step #1 and repeat your journal and Internet searches and phone calls.

=== #5. If you start to understand how to change your behavior or counter the behavior of the abuser in your life, do so very gradually and gently. Do not expect immediate success. Expect resistance, even hostility at first. Don't be disappointed, keep on applying gentle pressure.

=== #6. After gently trying to alter your behavior or that of the abuser, go back to step #1 and repeat all those steps. After a number of attempts to change the abusive behavior consider going to step #7.

=== #7. If you do decide you need to see a counselor, you will have already done a lot of groundwork that will put you months ahead when you do seek outside help.

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